Stupid Pickle Jar...

I've known for a while that I was weak(er). And, of course, this has been hard for me to come to grips with...no pun intended. The amount of weight I used to be able to squat, well...the thought of it now makes me cringe. I couldn't even open a jar of pickles tonight. This was vaguely familiar of an episode I had two weeks ago, where I could not open a bottle of gatorade, and I couldn't turn on the lamp in the living room without struggle.

Can you imagine things that you do/have done so frequently throughout your life increasingly becoming more difficult? Like one day, the stairs that you are used to going up swiftly, suddenly put you out of breath when you reach the top. The bag you carry to work daily continues to get heavier and harder to carry---despite its contents not increasing. Getting dressed not only takes longer, but often hurts---pulling a shirt over your head brushes painfully against an incision, and your arms muscles are sore even though you haven't worked out in 9 months.

It's not like these things happened all at once---it was more like a gradual onset of odd things, some that I didn't notice at first--and some, such as the inability to grasp things tightly and open them, become so utterly frustrating that I cannot determine whether I would be better suited to laugh or cry.

But...right now I want to cry.

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I met with the Dean of my college today. It was a ten minute meeting that lasted an hour. I wish I felt better after having gotten a good deal of things off of my chest--to be honest, the stress was bringing me down so much. But--when I got home and talked it all over with D, I realized I've put myself in a position that there is no coming back from. It may not be the end of the world, but it is certainly something I cannot hide from now. This almost makes me more stressed than I was before.

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Yesterday, D and I went to Michigan to go to Maggiano's--the restaurant out wedding reception will be held at in Vegas. The food = awesome. I'm really happy we got to go; I feel like we've been able to accomplish a big wedding-related task. We're just over 6 weeks away from the wedding---I think I am at the point where every dream (read: nightmare) I have is wedding-related. Perhaps this is what is causing my night sweats?!