"Colonoscopy and biopsies all normal. This is great news! "
Normal? Good News?
I suppose it depends on who you are talking to here.
To the normal, average, sane human being, they'd look at this with nothing but positivity.
Me, on the other hand, an abnormal, less than average, slightly insane (hey, my medical records say chronic benzos....I have proof), looks at this as a death sentence. Why? Because. Yea... Because. That's really the best I've got right now. Two colonoscopies in nearly one year--and they're both normal. Why in hell do I keep subjecting myself to this? Normal people wouldn't subject themselves to such torture.
And? I find myself right back where I was the last time I saw a specialist. Each specialist, who specializes in whatever it is that they specialize in, take one look at me--and diagnose me with the same thing they specialize in. But, just to be certain, they do awful tests and run expensive blood work. And, in the end, they are inevitably wrong. They always are. Yet, for some insane reason (here's the need for the chronic benzos, yo), I fall for it every.single.time. Every time, I get all geeked up, thinking they hold the key, and if I just subject myself to one more test, one more exam, one more something...they'll be able to fix me. In two years, I've fallen for it numerous...almost uncountable times. And not a single doctor has been able to fix me.
So, it's sad to me to get good news (yay! normal biopsies! yay!), and to not feel happy about it. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder (and, I've said this before), if it's all in my head. Sure, there's some subjective evidence of an illness---but, perhaps they are all manifestations of my mind. After all, the mind is a powerful thing. Perhaps I've stressed myself so much that I've made myself sick, and my only cure is to...umm...stop?
Either way, it's just been another one of those days--the kind where I wish my office was a bed, and my work consisted of taking long naps.
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