I've been in a funk the last two days...three days....okay, perhaps even longer than that. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's got me feeling rather down (...and the understatement of the year award goes to.....me). And, as far as I can tell, nothing can bring me out of it. I sat outside in the sun and read a great book yesterday. That didn't work. I baked cupcakes (and ruined my cupcake container in the process)....that didn't work (although they are pretty yummy). I even did some retail therapy today...and, I'll be honest, it did nothing for me. So...what's my problem?
I'm a glass-half-empty, waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-fall kinda gal. In some ways, I think I always have been. Growing up, I wasn't the "good" kid. I was the one that always got in trouble...so, sure, I'd wait for the other shoe to fall. I was a runner in high school---but not the fastest girl until my senior year. And then when I got to college? Well....it was like I was running in a different universe....the universe of slow-white-girls. See?....glass half empty. I have two degrees (plus some). And lots of student loans to prove them....but, I'm not doing anything with them. I have a roof over my head, but it isn't a home. I have a family of my own now, but my "kids" are smelly and leave lots of hair all over the place.
Where ever there exists a down side, I not only seek it out---but I find it, and I live there. There's no goodness to the things I think and feel. Let's take, for instance, my gas tank in my car. For nearly a year, it over flowed every time I filled it up. I took it to the dealership...they replaced the gas tank. It still overflowed. I took it in again. They did something different. It still overflowed. So, I looked into my state's Lemon Laws. I learned that if a problem existed on a new car, and had attempted to be fixed on three or more documented occasions....and the problems still existed despite attempts to fix it, well...then the dealership needed to give me a refund. Or exchange. Or something like that. So---when I took it in last week, for the third time for the same issues, I actually wanted it to not work. I've put nearly 20,000 miles on the car since I got it last May. It's been in an accident that caused over $5,000.00 worth of damage. If I could have somehow worked that Lemon Law to my advantage, I would have felt a lot better about the whole situation. But, whatever they did seems to have worked. I've put gas in it twice since, and no overflowing....not even a little. My glass might as well be fucking empty.
I think this is a phase....or a mood...or something. Something that I'll outgrow, or, at the very least, learn to manage. But right now, it's really hindering my ability to be happy. I can't finish a single thing I start (save for my blog posts....but, even those are sporadic, at best), my desire for all things fun and good (EVEN SHOPPING!!) seem to have been affected by this.
I wish I could make it go away. I wish I knew how. More specifically, I wish I knew why it was happening; I wish I understood.
Those around me see something different; I'm positive they do. I put on a smile with the best of them. I laugh. I joke. I play a role I know I need to play....which makes writing all of this very hard. How does the girl, who, on the outside, seem fine, explain how broken she feels on the inside? At least my therapist seems to understand my mumbo-jumbo. Perhaps she'll have the magic key.
Until next time...
No comments:
Post a Comment