All in my head?

Trust me, I know how powerful the mind can be. It's such an amazing tool. But, I can't help but thinking it is my worst enemy right now.

I had a breakdown (break-through?) this morning with D. I'm fighting a battle on about 5 different fronts right now, and each time one front gets tough--the other four jump in and bring me down. I feel like I'm fighting a battle I can't win.

1. My parents. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of their divorce. My family, as I knew it, will never be the same again. And my parents, as I knew them, are now gravely different people. The way I see this only adds to my hurt and pain--If, and when, I am able to return to a state of normal health, the rest of me (i.e. my family life) will never return to normal. I may be an adult, but I do not know how to deal with this.

2. Work. I've been reassigned at work, to a seemingly wonderful individual. I almost wish I had been placed with her from the start. But, my interactions with my old boss will still be heavy, which worries me. As I was waiting to meet the new professor, my old boss walked by the lobby. He must have noticed I was sitting in there, because I could see him, out of my peripheral sight, stop and stare...and continue to watch me as he made his way down the stairs. Perhaps the stories about what he has done to (and with) his prior GA's has scared the life out of me...but I'm eager to get away from him, and not to begin new roles that will place me right back in his daily sight.

3. School. I'm behind. And it's not just a bit behind, but a lot behind. In fact, it is just like that reoccurring nightmare I've heard many a student (or even former student) have, where they wake up in a cold sweat after having just gotten to the end of their semester, only to realize they had neglected to go to classes, turn in assignments, or take tests. And fail. Except in my life, it's not a dream, it's a reality---and it only pushes me closer towards tears. I wouldn't know where to start--and the mere thought of it makes me want to find the nearest hole, and insert myself in it.

4. Wedding. As much as a wondrous occasion it will be, it is also a stressful one. Will my parents behave? How can I handle the costly situation my friends find themselves in by trying to come, without sounding rude when telling them they needn't go? How do I get my dress there? What if it all goes wrong? Have we done enough? Or too much? For as often as it puts a smile on my face to sink in to the planning, it brings a heavy weight a long with it.

5. My health. The prednisone, albeit only 4 days in, has not offered improvement. I feel tired, and weak, and all of the above mentioned issues are undoubtedly added to my feelings of tired and weakness. So....does this mean it is all in my head? While I am aware that I cannot cause my body to have a fever, nor can I cause things such as the swollen leg from last year---but what, if anything, am I doing to make my situation worse?

I have requested to meet with the Associate Dean tomorrow, and a professor in my department to discuss my options. Is it fair of me to ask them to employee me when I cannot keep up with tasks? Is it fair to continue to run away from tasks that involve being around my old boss? Is it fair to continue to miss this day, and that day, for doctor's appointments? I'm starting to think it's not fair to them...nor myself.

I wish I has a place to go that took all of the stress, the worry, the pain, and the fear away from me, if only for a day---just to give me enough strength and courage to attempt to fight this the next day. The hard part is not knowing what I'm fighting. It's causing me to think it's all in my head....