...It's nearly 3 am. I'm wide awake (even with Tylenol PM in my system). I'm so utterly tired--I scrubbed the house from top to bottom today (it hadn't been done in months...), and it wore me out. My back is killing me. I am exhausted.
Yet, here I am. Wide awake.
I think I have a lot on my mind too, and, as per usual, I wouldn't know where to start to begin filing through everything that's hanging out in my brain right now. I suppose I will try--or else I'll be watching the sun rise here soon.
1.) In three weeks, we will be in Vegas for the wedding. I haven't got the foggiest idea of how it is all going to pan out. The whole "destination wedding" makes this hard. For as much as I've thought about a wedding--I haven't done much planning. Let's be honest, how does one plan something that is a 4 hour plane ride away? All I've done is call people, and send emails--ask them to do this, reserve that, show up here, marry us then. That's it. So, when people ask for details--well, I'm not sure what to say? Sure, I've spent hours looking at stuff--but, with the nature of our wedding (small....very small, and in Vegas), the things I see often and love aren't part of the wedding. And, as I've mentioned here before---regardless of how wonderful this time will be (when it gets here), it's such a stressful thing (Am I doing enough? Not enough? Will my family behave? Will I want to disown my friends afterward? Should we have eloped?....the list goes on).
Will I miss it when it's over? Maybe. But right now---I'm over it.
2.) I've been gauging how I feel lately based on what I do. So, today--for instance, I cleaned. Now, I clean normally---it just hasn't been often lately; I haven't had the strength. But--our house just kept getting worse and worse....I swear we had a 3rd animal for a bit, but it turned out to be a giant dust bunny.
In fact, our kitchen counters were so dirty, the cat had yet to attempt to jump on them. Within minutes of the counters being cleaned off today? Well, Lewis learned he can get up there. Great.
So, I did all the cleaning---D's sister is out to visit, and I couldn't fathom having her here in a dirty house. Granted, whenever anyone visits, they always say "Nah, don't clean for me! I don't care!" Uh, nope. Not buying it. My mom--for instance, said the same thing verbatim prior to coming out for my Lymph Node Biopsy (don't ask why I capitalized that...). She told me not to clean. Ya, right. Let you in my dirty house? And you claim you won't care? Again, not buying it. People don't like dirty houses. It's just the honest truth. And, while I can live in my own dirty house--at a certain point, even I have to break down and clean.
And I always time it with "visits." (because, well, I do.)
But anyways, back to my main point...I have been gauging how I feel based on what I can do. And, I think I went overboard today. Not only did my back tip over to the 7 out 10 level of pain, but I was quick to realize that I don't have "back-up" (no pun intended). If I use any amount of energy, that's it. No more. No back-up. I pushed for two hours today just to get the house done, but after that? I was running on empty.
With a slight fever.
And? The cat's door was very heavy.
(We keep Lewis in his own room at night...the room is closed off by a glass door that is slid in front of the doorway. It had been such a chore to move a few weeks back; I always felt too weak. Then it seemed to get easier. Tonight? Right back to weighing more than I thought it should.)
3.) For as much as I am able to open up here, I am not able to do the same in person. Or on the phone. But mainly in person. But....on the phone too. In fact, I hate ordering pizza over-the-phone; it makes me uncomfortable.
I was talking to my sister today, and she discussed saving her first patient as a new nurse. I couldn't repeat the story if I tried (too many medical abbreviations), but I told her I thought she would go on to do great things in her profession--and, of course, that I was thrilled for her. She thanked me and said I was such an inspiration as a PhD student. *ha*...*ha ha ha*...I couldn't help but laugh. But, I couldn't--not for the life of me--express why I didn't consider myself a PhD student, even if I had put in work in the past. I couldn't explain why I don't want to be associated with the university that I am currently at, say...5 months from now.
Why?
Well, I think I am just overwhelmed. School (or lack thereof), work (ha), my wonderful health (gigglesnort)....the more I think about things, the more I get overwhelmed. The more overwhelmed I become, the more I fall into a deep sadness about it all. The more I realize how sad I am about it, the more I realize I do have a single clue of where to start at to begin to turn it all around.
And even if I did, could I control it? I can't seem to control my health...so why try?
And, even if I could, would it be worth it? We'll be moving to a new state in just a matter of months...and I'll be starting over there.
It's all so daunting. All of it.
{Sometimes I feel like I wasn't graced with the gene for coping with things}
....and now it's almost 4am.
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