Anyways, relationship beans were spilled---and now husband's colleagues are aware we got married. Turns out there have been rumors about our relationship for years---but, then again, it's not like we lived in a fucking cave. We lived like normal people, in a normal house, went to normal grocery stores, and did normal things. The only non-normal thing? We didn't run through his department (and my former department) screaming it at the top of our lungs. We didn't offer up information about our relationship freely. And? No one ever asked.
I had my reasons for not telling anyone I went to school with. I don't know many people that have dated their professors, but let me tell you---the ones who do/have, well ... they get the side-eye (come on, everyone --- you don't think there is at least a tiny bit of hanky panky going on in exchange for an A?). And that's the point. I was new to the whole grad school thing; the last thing I wanted was anyone to think I wasn't doing it on my own---that my grades weren't mine, that my papers weren't written by me, or that my husband was pulling strings to help me fly through the program without a care. Because I did do it all on my own. But, tell that to the rumor mill.
He had his reasons. He was new to teaching. Our university had policies against it. Everyone in the department spoke poorly about the Department Chair behind his back for having done the same thing (albeit slightly different circumstances). We both knew how badly this could look for him (new guy, sleeping with a student, yadda yadda yadda)....If they chose not to renew his contract after the first year (let's face it---had the relationship gone sour, and I screamed harassment (not that I would--but worst case scenario)---it would have been bad news for their department), the chances of him finding another teaching job? Not good. On any given year, there are just oven 10 jobs (give or take) available. In the United States. TEN. How many of you would not do whatever possible to insure that you didn't lose your job and have to fight for one of ten spots in the whole country?
It's not like we lived in a cave and avoided sunlight. It's not like I had to take a secret tunnel that dropped me 5 blocks from our house just so no one saw us within ten feet of each other. We just didn't tell his coworkers, or my fellow students. Had the beans not got spilt? Well, we might not have said anything---again, we're moving soon. We'll never see half of these people again. It's not like either of us would have lied had someone asked---but, no one did.
So, clearly, my marriage is a scam because we didn't take out an ad in the local newspaper to tell people.
I starting reading your blog in a link from said random message board, but I've never commented here (this is emilyinchile). I'm sorry people, possibly including me, have upset you. I can't imagine doing this just because I have always discussed my relationship at work, hung out with fellow students along with my then-boyfriend, etc, so it does seem strange to me, but I also wasn't in the situation you were. If I had been, I wouldn't exactly have marched into work to say "guess what, we're breaking rules!" Anyway, I just figured now was as good a time as any to say hi on here - don't let us POS's get you down :)
ReplyDeleteEmily--your comment didn't upset me; in fact it was written well after this blog was posted!
ReplyDeleteThe upsetting part of the comments focused around the assumption that I was "forced" or "controlled" in a way that made how our relationship was handled to be something I didn't want or sign up for. I knew, full well, what I was getting into. So did my husband. And granted, at a certain point---I was no longer his TA, and were not breaking any rules. But...how does one broach that topic? How do you bring up a relationship like that? It's just not something that came up in conversation. Ever. As it turns out, however, many people knew--or assumed we were together...and, rather than being nosey--they kept it to themselves. So, his colleagues knew (some of them anyways)....and didn't feel it was their place to ask. And we didn't feel like sending out a newsletter about it.
I understand why some people don't "get it." If I didn't live it personally, I probably wouldn't "get it" either. I couldn't have imagined having a relationship that operated like this...until it happened. Trust me, no one wakes up one day and says "I really want to enter into a relationship with someone, knowing we can't openly discuss it because of rules governing against it, and dirty stigma's attached to it that could cost me and my significant other our job/degree." (at least I don't think anyone does.)
Regardless, I'm really glad you stopped and left a comment--and please know, I do appreciate other perspectives on this.